Casting the MLS Musical: Part I

The gayest night of the year is approaching really, really quickly. That’s right, boys and girls, it’s time for the Tony Awards. I could write a post about which MLS forwards are the best “actors” in the league, but I decided that wasn’t interesting enough (winner: Will Johnson. Putz.). So instead, I’ll present to you over the next several days the MLS Musical. I’ve picked out which Broadway show best represents each MLS team and my reasoning for that pick.

But first, a quick vocal warmup:

Everybody in tune? Great, here we go:

Los Angeles Galaxy: Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark.

It’s a star-studded lineup, a multi-million dollar set, an award-winning coach, and yet people only show up on performance nights in the hopes that something is going to go dreadfully, catastrophically wrong. Some heads have already rolled for the lack of success, and there may be more to come. But it’s hard to move quickly from laughingstock to serious contender, so this year’s award season is probably going to pass them by entirely.


Chivas USA: A Chorus Line

“I hope I get it…how many people does he need?” Year in and year out it feels like this team is in a state of audition. Players are auditioning on the field for other teams (Brad Guzan, Sacha Kljestan), coaches are auditioning for bigger and better jobs (Bob Bradley, Preki), there’s even an actual audition for a roster slot on this franchise. And despite the constant turnover of personnel, they won’t just go away. They’re not the punchline they used to be, but they’re not going to be setting the world on fire any time soon. They’re just members of the chorus.


Colorado Rapids: The Fantasticks

First person to comment that this musical technically never appeared on Broadway is getting punched in the dick. Mmmkay?

This show has been around forever and never really hit it big, but it’s always been successful enough to keep getting people in the door. And it’s pretty cool what they can do with basically no cash. It’s not the sexy show, it’s not the big-money show, it’s not the star-studded show. But it’s a show that keeps on keeping on, and it’s a show that’s a sentimental favorite for a lot of people who grew up with it.


San Jose Earthquakes: Once: The Musical

Where the hell did this come from? It didn’t come into the year as the favorite to win any awards or accolades, but it’s definitely in the thick of it right now. Spearheaded by a guy (Chris Wondolowski) who’s got the odds in his favor to finish as the best at his craft, this show caught everybody by surprise with its power and effectiveness, and it’s doing it all in an understated and unheralded fashion. Keep an eye on these guys, they’re playing with house money, but they’re still winning.


In the next post, we see what shows are best suited for the Cascadia teams.

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